Why Is This So Hard?!
or... why knowing is only half the battle
How is it possible to know all of this amazing parenting information and still not do it?! And when is it going to get easier???
You are a good parent. You read all of the books, and you watch tons of videos and you do lots and lots of research, but it is SO HARD to actually put these ideas into practice. Why?
It’s incredibly easy to have all sorts of judgements about why you aren’t a perfect parent. Those judgements might sound like “why do I keep messing up?” or “I know better!” or “I’m a terrible parent.” And ultimately, those judgements boil down to this - there’s a belief that simply because you know what to do, you should be able to do it. And when you believe that, you can end up feeling shame, confusion, doubt, overwhelm, and even anger.
But here’s the thing… just because you know what to do doesn’t mean you’ll be able to do it.
Why not? I’m sure there are tons of reasons, but I’m going to focus these right now:
Everything you’ve learned about parenting is stored in your thinking brain. And I’m betting that when you’re in your thinking brain, you are using all of the information and tools that you know. But! When your brain flips into protection mode, all of that information flies out the window.
You have a small window of stress tolerance. Your attack pathway and collapse pathway are simply overactive. You’re having a fear-based reactions to problems that are much smaller.
You have a belief (a mental model) that impacts how you see situations. Mental models are a type of implicit memory that effects how we see and interpret everything, without even pausing to think about it. Our past experiences come together with experiences of what is happening right now, and those two streams merge together to create our subjective reality.
Let’s look at an example… let’s say that you grew up in a family where it was believed that talking back is disrespectful. What would it feel like to consider that’s a belief, and not actually a fact? If your belief that talking back is disrespectful merges with the current experience of your child talking back (happening right now), then your subjective reality becomes “my child is disrespectful.”
Now, in your thinking brain, you might recognize that sassy, talking back behavior is your child’s nervous system being in protection mode, and you might respond with offers of co-regulation to turn things around. But! Have you ever responded to sassy, talking back behaviors from your own protection brain? With a big fear-based response (yelling, threatening, punishing, etc.)? Those big, fear-based reactions come from a mental model.
Let’s say that you have a mental model that kids are respectful because they have good parents who teach them to be respectful. Then your child talks back, and you believe that’s disrespectful, so that must mean… you’re a terrible parent! And if you have the belief that you’re a terrible parent, it’s going to create an even bigger fear-based response.
Our old beliefs (mental models) can lead to us flipping our lids over behaviors that - while definitely not ideal! - are not actually dangerous. When our minds and bodies become flooded by our own fears and the stream of our past crashes and overpowers the stream of the now, we are flipped out of connection mode (our thinking brain), and into protection mode.
So, what do we do about this? One thing to start to become aware of is your own fears. Take a second to think of a time when maybe you had a “five dollar reaction to a fifty cent problem.” What was the real problem? Let’s say your child didn’t turn off their iPad when it was time. Okay! Ask yourself “what’s the problem with that?” Maybe you’ll think “well, they need to listen to me! Not paying attention is disrespectful!” Ask yourself again “and what’s the problem with that?” Maybe you’ll say “if he doesn’t listen now, how is he going to get through college? Or have a job? He won’t listen to a boss!” And ask yourself again “what’s the problem with that?” Maybe this time you’ll think “If he can’t get a job, he’ll be living with me forever. And I will have failed as a parent.” And ask yourself “where and when did I learn that?” Getting curious about when and where you learned these beliefs is helpful, if you can get to the root.
Just like when your child has an oversized reaction to a problem, that part of you - your inner child - that learned and believed these fears that aren’t based in what is happening right now needs to be soothed. Can you see that belief is just a part of you, and not all of you? Can you see that there is a part of your brain that believes that it’s not safe to not be in control?
What would it be like to send some compassion to that part of you? Something that sounds like “this is so so hard” or “it is so scary to believe that.” Compassion for ourselves tends to bring back our thinking brains. And when our thinking brains are online, we can take a moment to ask if the belief is true. And if the belief isn’t true, then what is true? And if you believe that new true thought, how does it shift your reaction to your kid? Do we flip our lids a little less? Does our “$5 reaction” become a “$4 reaction”? Or a “$2 reaction”? Or even a “50 cent reaction”?
Once you have sent yourself some compassion, you can respond to the problem at hand. Ask yourself - what is the problem that needs to be dealt with right now? Is the problem that you need to solve now that if your child can’t turn off the iPad now then it means they won’t follow directions from a future boss? No.
It’s not that struggling to turn off the iPad now isn’t a problem. But is it the problem that needs to be addressed in this moment? No.
The problem right now is regulation, connection, and safety. Address those things first. Then, once your child’s thinking brain has returned, we can address the bigger picture.
Because regulated, connected kids who feel safe (and know what to do) behave well.
So the first problem to address is always - does my child need support with connection, regulation, or safety right now?
And the same is true for adults. Regulated, connected parents who feel safe parent the way they want to. Next time, I’ll write more about how parents can increase their own regulation, connection, and safety.
p.s. Looking for more information about brain-based parenting? Start here. And if you’re looking for pro-active ways to grow your child’s thinking brain, check out this and that. And you can find information on soothing meltdowns here, and soothing shutdowns here. And you can find the answer to “what about a punishment?!” here.