But What About a Punishment?!
or what to do in the aftermath...
When I’m talking about parenting from a brain-based lens, there is one question that comes up over and over again… “But what about a consequence?!” Many of us were raised to believe that the way children learn is through punishments and consequences. Child A pushes Child B, and the adult gives a punishment to Child A, with the assumption that punishment will curb the behavior in the future.
If there’s no consequence, will a child ever learn? Are you letting your child get away with bad behavior if you don’t enact a punishment? Are you rewarding bad behavior if you give them a snack or put aside homework?
These are reasonable questions!
Before we go further, let’s define what we mean by a boundary, a punishment, and a consequence, as we often use these words interchangeably.
A boundary is an action that I am going to take in the future, without asking the other person to change. What might that look like? “I don’t feel up for baking brownies for the bake sale tomorrow.” Or “I am not going to add potato chips to our shopping cart. I don’t want to buy snacks today.” Or “I’ve set the WiFi to turn off at 8pm.” Will the other person be happy and thankful about the boundary? Probably not. But I am being clear about my own behavior and what I am willing to do in that moment.
A punishment is a penalty inflicted for an offense. It is intentionally designed to cause discomfort. Spanking certainly falls into this category. But timeouts, ignoring, losing recess, having your phone taken away… all of those are punishments designed to cause discomfort for the other person.
A consequence is the result or outcome of something that happened earlier. A consequence is a way that we learn how things work. If I do X, Y will happen. The consequence of packing my lunch (instead of ordering it) is that I will save money and make healthier choices. The consequence of going to running class is that I become a stronger runner. The consequence of not filling up my car’s gas tank is that I may run out of gas. Consequences happen without us doing anything to make it happen. They are literally just the thing that happens next.
So the question “But what about a consequence?!” isn’t really about a consequence, because the consequence will happen either way. It’s really “What punishment can I inflict on my child to make sure they never do that again?!” Which is a completely reasonable question if you believe that kids behave well and meet societal expectations because they are afraid of what will happen if they don’t. Most of us were raised to believe that this is how families and society work! Punishments make it possible for people to act well enough that we can all live together in a cooperative community, right?
Except that there’s A LOT of research from brain science and the study of behavior that tells us that regulated, connected kids who feel safe (and know what to do!) behave well. And when we know what behavior really is (disconnection, a lack of safety, dysregulation, and/or lagging skills), the question really becomes:
What does my child need so that success is inevitable?
In almost every situation, the thing that kids need to be successful is a strong thinking brain. They need impulse control, cause and effect thinking, the ability to learn from a consequence and for it to impact their behavior. A strong thinking brain is cooperative and compromising. It can manage disappointment. It’s resilient in the face of stress, so we can feel all of our feelings without losing control or shutting down.
So, it’s really not about finding the right punishment. It’s how do we support the thinking brain after moments (hours!) of dysregulation so that the thinking brain can grow and feel safer.
What does that mean in regular language?
Repair. If your child has been melting down, a relational rupture has occurred. Sometimes our actions might have contributed to that meltdown (like if we yelled or threatened to take away device time). If that was the case, an apology might be in order. Apologizing means being clear about what happened that wasn’t okay, and what you’re doing to decrease the likelihood that it will happen again. “I am sorry that I yelled. It’s never okay for me to speak to you that way. I am working hard to manage my own big feelings without anyone else getting their feelings hurt. I will keep working on it.” Sometimes we didn’t do anything to specifically apologize for, but we can still express regret. “I’m sorry that you didn’t get the Pokemon cards that you wanted in your booster pack. It’s so disappointing and frustrating when that happens. It doesn’t feel fair.” If talking is too hard for your child, writing notes or texting can be other ways to reach out to repair. (Want to read more about repair? Check out this blog.
Brainstorm what should happen differently next time. I like to start with what I will do differently. Why? Because offering up that I am willing to do something differently (as opposed to what the child needs to do differently) will decrease shame and increase the likelihood that they’ll participate in the conversation. It also keeps the focus on the person who has the most power to do something different - the grown-up! Once I’ve offered up something that I can do differently, I’ll ask the child what they might do differently. And the child may say “Just let me do what I want!” Pause. Realize that this feeling and reaction make perfect sense. I’d love it if everyone just did what I wanted, too! But what this reaction is actually telling you is “I don’t have the frustration tolerance to deal with the reality of life - that we don’t always get what we want.” So validate the feeling. “Of course! That makes sense. Your brain would feel better for sure! But… what if that isn’t possible? How can I help your brain then?” The key here is staying curious. They may come up with “I need space” or “Give me a drink of water” or even “Stop talking! I don’t want to see you!” The point here is that we want to attempt a mutual process, because that helps the thinking brain grow.
Set them up for success. What are you (the adult) going to do differently? It might be staying a little closer at the next birthday party, rather than dropping your kid off. It might be skipping the next couple of soccer games and hanging out together instead. Your child might feel relieved! And they might feel furious. All feelings are valid! But stick to your boundary.
Playfully practice. This might mean role playing, playing it the “wrong way” and then the “right way.” Talk about it in connected moments. You can ask about it in the third person - “what advice would you have for your friend if they were in this situation?” Don’t force it! You cannot force playfulness. If your child cannot revisit it, they don’t have a strong enough thinking brain right now. Just keep working on it. (Want to read more about growing the thinking brain? Try this post, or this one.)
Teach your children about their brain. Why? This deceases the shame, increases self-compassion, increases feelings of control over behavior, and encourages mindful attention. I use the language of “owl brain,” “watchdog brain,” and possum brain,” but some families prefer to use the colors from “Zones of Regulation” or other descriptors. The important thing is to use whatever language you like, and use it regularly. “Oh! That kid looks like his watchdog brain has taken over!” when you see a toddler having a tantrum at the store. “Wow! My watchdog brain was really angry when someone cut in front of me in line at Starbucks!” “Did you see how King Triton destroyed Ariel’s treasures? His watchdog brain really took over!” We ALL have thinking brains, attack mode brains, and collapse mode brains, and it’s important for kids to see that these are things that everyone is working on.
Does this feel like a less-than-satisfying answer? Possibly. It’s amazing how stuck we can get on punishing bad behavior when we feel angry and hurt! We all resort to threats and punishments when we’re not in our own thinking brains. And it doesn’t work! Punishing generally leaves everyone feeling hurt and more upset. And it certainly doesn’t stop the meltdown from happening next time.
If you’re trying to parent from a place of connection, regulation, and safety, we need to remain focused on those things. How can I re-connect to my child right now? How can I help my child regulate right now? How can I help my child feel safe right now? Is this rewarding bad behavior? No. It’s meeting your child’s needs. And the more we can meet our kids’ needs, and the more we can help our children identify their own needs, the fewer meltdowns there will be.
Next up… why is this so hard to do?! You’re a smart person. You’ve read all of the books and watched the videos. There’s absolutely nothing in here that is rocket science. And yet, in the moment, it’s SO hard. Stay tuned…
Very clear and very helpful. Thank you.
I will read this daily, thank you