The Most Interesting Thing I Learned Last Year...
and what it has to do with your child's behavior
Did you know that human brains are scanning for safety four times every second?
Four times. Every single second.
And as human brains are scanning, they are asking the question “Am I safe?” over and over and over. If the information they receive is mostly “Yes, I am safe,” then we can rest into that safety, into “connection” mode. But if the information they receive is mostly “No, I am not safe,” then we move into “protection” mode.
The information that our brains are scanning comes from three places: the inside (our body’s subjective experience), the outside (our environment), and the in-between (our relationships with the people around us).
And all of this is happening unconsciously. To all of us. Constantly.
So what does that actually mean? I’m sitting on my sofa in my apartment as I type this. My husband is home. From all outward appearances, I should be able to rest into safety. I’m in a safe home, with someone that I love, doing something that I enjoy. BUT, I can hear him making lunch in the kitchen, and it’s a little annoying. He interrupts my train of thought to ask if we have any salad dressing. I hear the hiss of the radiator. My feet are cold. All of these details make me feel slightly irritated, and I feel on-edge. I can’t fully focus or relax. My brain is not in “connection” mode; it’s in “protection” mode.
What does connection mode look like? My breathing is even. My eyes are focused but soft. My heart rate feels normal. I feel cooperative, and I’m able to pause before reacting. My ability to be empathetic is present and I am able to take responsibility for my behavior and needs. I may feel peaceful or playful.
What does protection mode look like? My heart rate is faster. I feel more energy in my arms and legs, and I feel defiant. Maybe I angrily get up and slam the bedroom door. Maybe I yell at my husband. Maybe I pretend that everything is fine, and become robotic in my responses. Maybe I become checked out and start playing a game on my iPad. Those “fight/flight/freeze/fawn” behaviors? Those are all protection mode behaviors - actions that are designed to keep us safe.
So what does this have to do with kids and their behavior?
Although it might not always feel like it, kids are human and their brains are also scanning for safety constantly. And, just like us, their feelings of safety are based on their subjective experiences of the inside, outside, and in-between - their internal experiences, the environment, and their relationships to the people around them. We do not get to decide if their brains are answering “safe” or “not safe.”
And if our child’s brain is answering "not safe,” they will enter into “protection” mode. And we will see protection mode type behaviors - snappy responses, too much focus on video games, door slamming, running away, and even aggression (hitting, kicking, biting, spitting). These are not behaviors that are coming out of a conscious, well-thought-out plan, but they are coming out of our children’s brains trying to protect them.
Here’s what I know for sure: Regulated, connected kids who feel safe and know what to do, do well. And if your child isn’t doing well, it’s because they’re not regulated, not connected, don’t feel safe, and/or don’t know what to do.
Each week this month, I will be taking a closer look at how these feelings of safety might play out in potty training, sleep, and eating. And if you’re interested in learning more, you can check out this free webinar, or join my upcoming group for parents of kids with big, baffling behaviors.