Avoidance Mode!
or, what to do about your possum-like child
We’ve spent the last three weeks taking a look at what to do when your child is in attack mode. Today, we’re going to take a look at what to do about kids who are the opposite - kids who are completely shut down and collapsed.
I’ve been writing about connection vs. protection brain all year. (Want to catch up? Start here.) The most important thing to remember is that:
“Regulated, connected kids who feel safe (and know what to do) behave well.” - Robyn Gobbel
So when a child is not behaving well, it’s because they’re not feeling connected, they’re not feeling regulated, and/or they’re not feeling safe. And when a child is not feeling safe, connected, or regulated, their brains flip into protection mode.
Because “attack” behaviors are so… expressive(!), it can be easy to see how they are acting to protect the child. Children engaging in “attack-type” behaviors are letting you know - very clearly - that they are dysregulated, disconnected, and feeling unsafe.
Kids who are exhibiting more “collapsed-type” behaviors are a little trickier. It can be harder to remember that they’re also in protection mode, and feeling disconnected, unsafe, and dysregulated. So what do these kids look like?
Checked out (in “la la land”). They may be passively avoidant or spaced out.
Robotic. They may be overly compliant and too agreeable. People-pleasing (or fawning) falls into this category.
Shut down. Completely checked out, excessive gaming/reading, or not getting out of bed.
Playing dead. They may be falling asleep at odd times (like during class, or at dinner) or they may sleep all day.
When your child is in “collapsed” mode, they have a significant energy decrease. Their arms and legs are suddenly heavy, and they struggle to take action. (The very opposite of “attack” mode, where there’s lots of energy to fight or flee.)
This is complicated stuff! But here’s a quick recap: the “collapsed” brain emerges from protection due to a lack of felt-safety AND a brain signal of life-threat. This collapsed brain does not believe that it has any power to stay safe, and moves into collapse. While kids on the “attack pathway” get bigger and scarier, kids on the “collapsed pathway” get smaller and quieter.
With all of that established, let’s get into strategies:
Recognize the distress. We must remember that collapsed behaviors emerge because of significant stress in the nervous system. Collapsed behaviors might not seem “that bad,” and it can be easy to feel annoyed and wish your child would just “get over it.” But a collapsed brain is even more stressed than an attack brain. And it’s important to see our kids as good kids who are really hurting. And when we start to believe that, our kids will start to see themselves as good kids, too. And this leads to behavior change.
Slow down and match the energy. When our kids are taking 45 minutes to put on their shoes, it is SO TEMPTING to go into high energy. We become more intense, more frantic, and more rushed. This is exactly the opposite of what a collapsed brain needs, and can actually send them deeper into their collapsed state. It is much better to sit down, put an arm around your child, slow your speech, and talk in a softer voice. I also find it helpful to “try on” the child’s posture - what does it feel like to match the curve of their spine, or hold your head down?
Connect them to the sensory world. Collapsed brains are disconnected from their bodies, which is normal and protective. We want to try to offer safe and non-intrusive ways to reconnect. Think: gentle movement (walking, thumb war, hitting a balloon back and forth, coloring, building with Legos); sensory experiences (weighted blanket, shaving cream, water beads, cooking, juice/snack, deep pressure); and rhythm (music, blowing bubbles, rocking back and forth together, Theraplay games).
Change or remove the stressor. Identify what stressor(s) are causing the retreat into the collapsed brain, and take a short-term (or long-term!) pause on those stressors. You might be thinking “But how will my kid be ready for the future if they don’t do their homework now?!” Here’s the thing: if your child is collapsing, they have an overactive stress response. And the way we need to prepare your overly stressed, overwhelmed child for the “real world” is by strengthening their stress response system. And the way we do that is by continually helping to fill their buckets of regulation, safety, and connection.
Waiting with certainty. Sometimes the only thing we can do is just wait. Wait with the certainty that you can hang in there with them. That when they experience enough safety in their nervous system, they’ll move out of collapse because all of us would much rather have our thinking brains in charge. Promise.
And finally, a few things to look out for:
Overlooking the dysregulation. It is so easy to interpret collapse behavior as being lazy or unmotivated! And if we overlook that it’s actually dysregulation, we’re less likely to respond with safety, connection, or regulation. We might have expectations that set the child up for less success, instead of more. And we won’t give our kid the experience of seeing them for who they really are - a good kid who is struggling.
Having an attack brain response. There are a lot of reasons that having a collapsed kid can trigger an attack response in us. Let’s start with the example of the child who is taking for.ev.er to put on his shoes, on the very morning that you have a huge presentation at work and need to be on time - of course this induces anxiety and panic in you! And your efforts to rush and multi-task are the exact opposite of what collapsed kids need. It makes perfect sense that you’d feel frustrated! No need to judge ourselves for this, but it is important to notice and try to find ways to keep our own thinking brains engaged. More on that to come!
Pushing interventions too hard. When your child is in collapse, you might be tempted to try all of the things - walking, a thumb war, a balloon toss, a dance party, etc., etc, etc. The interventions that you’re offering are coming from a place of dysregulation and a desire to change your child’s behavior. But no one likes feeling as if you’re trying to change them, and the pressure to be different creates more stress and further collapse. Children need an open and warm invitation into safety and won’t respond if they feel yanked or cajoled.
Oof. That was a lot for one post! And thinking about people in “collapsed brain” can feel very heavy, and maybe even hopeless. Just sit with that feeling, and notice it without trying to change it. It’s really hard! But it’s an important exercise - sitting with feelings without trying to fix them.
Next time! I’ll be writing about consequences and punishments and what happens when the thinking brain returns. More soon…