Four Steps to Staying Regulated
when everyone around you is not
I had absolutely intended for this blog post to go out before the holidays but… here we are. Better late than never?
This is a sort of “part two” of last month’s post. Last month was all about how to proactively hold onto your own thinking brain throughout the day, building your own window of tolerance. Today is going to be about how to hold onto your thinking brain in the midst of the meltdown.
Like any new skill, you’ll need to practice in a regulated moment to be able to use it when you need it. Eventually, after you’ve practiced a lot, and you’ve grown your window of tolerance and you’re more aware of your fears, you’ll be able to do this in the moment of a meltdown. For real!
What are the steps?
Notice your experience without judgement. This sounds super simple, and it is. You are just going to notice your experience without judging it. It’s not good or bad. Noticing sounds like “I’m going to freak out.” Or “My heart is pounding.” Or “My face feels hot and my head hurts.” It’s simply a description of reality - a moment of being in attunement with yourself.
Acknowledge your experience as real. This might sound the same as step one, but it’s different and important. Acknowledging your experience as real means that you don’t minimize it or talk yourself out of it. (How often do you find yourself saying “it’s not that big of a deal, I shouldn’t be so upset!” to yourself? Shaming yourself for having real feelings does not actually make the feelings go away! It just pushes them down.) So what does this look like? “I’m freaking out (step one). These feelings are real and valid.” You’re not trying to change anything. It’s just hanging out in the feeling for a moment.
Offer yourself some compassion. What kindness can you offer yourself right now? “I am doing the best I can.” “My whole self is welcome here.” “This is so hard.” “I may feel alone, but I am not alone.”
Release the tension. For many people, that’s going to be taking a big, deep breath (keeping your exhale longer than your inhale). For other people, shrugging their shoulders up and down or shaking out their hands is very grounding. There are a lot of options here - just choose what works for you.
Once you’ve gone through these steps, you’re probably reconnected (at least partially) to your own thinking brain. Now you can do thinking brain things, like identify and change your fears, or remind yourself of what the real problem is (regulation, felt-safety, connection). Engage your own coping skills.
Sounds simple, right? Of course it’s not. But one way to start to build this skill is by reflecting on moments when we lost our cool and ask ourselves - when did I first notice my own attack or collapse brain start taking over? Was it the heat in your face? The thoughts in your head started to race? Starting to recognize your own warning signs is the best place to start.
Eventually, with practice and self-awareness, you’ll be able to stay more regulated. We’re not aiming for rainbows and unicorns here! Just regulated. Able to use your thinking brain so that you parent in a way that aligns with your values.