Growing Your Own Window of Stress Tolerance
or, how not to flip your lid
Ahhh… we’re reaching the end of 2024, and the end of my series on parenting from a brain-based perspective. And maybe the holidays are a perfect time to think about how you manage your own stress, and more specifically, how you can grow your own window of tolerance and strengthen your thinking brain, even when those around you are flipping out.
We need to create an exercise routine, so to speak. These are things that you should do outside of your most stressful moments - things that will strengthen your thinking brain and help you freak out less.
Is this an exhaustive list? No. It’s just a list of a few things that are easy to try and accessible to most people. Do you need to try all four? Nope. Pick the one that resonates the most and try it. If none of these sound good to you right now, you can also consider movement/exercise, meditation, prayer, etc.
The four “exercises” I’m going to suggest are:
Connection
Play
Notice the good
Self-compassion
Let’s dive in!
Connection. Hard things feel less hard when we do those hard things with someone else. The hard thing doesn’t actually get easier, but our nervous system experiences it as easier and uses less resources to deal with the difficulty when we have the support of another person. And that keeps our window of tolerance open a little longer and keeps our thinking brains in charge a little longer.
It’s crucial to cultivate relationships with others that allow you to feel seen, felt, known. Yep - exactly the same way that we want our kids to feel. Validated, attuned to, and really seen and known for their true selves. Adults need to feel that, too. It can be really helpful to cultivate friendships with other parents who are raising kids with big baffling behaviors because there is compassion and understanding. We all just get it.
One of the biggest contributors to burnout and compassion fatigue is having to supress valid, authentic emotions. It is important to find relationships where you can say all of the things that you’re feeling, have big attack and collapse brain reactions, without worrying about being judged. AND, at the same time, we need to be on the lookout for experiences where all that is happening is complaining and griping, without ever shifting back into thinking brain. When feelings get expressed to people who see you and aren’t judging you, there is a natural path back to your thinking brain. Even if nothing changes about the situation, an authentic expression of emotions should lead us back to our thinking brains. The thinking brain has characteristics like compassion and curiosity and even the capacity to tolerate grief. So if you notice you’re in a situation where the conversation never really shifts away from complaining, and you don’t feel more at peace (but maybe more hopeless, helpless, or indignant), there is probably a piece of authentic expression that is missing.
Does this feel impossible? Does it feel like you don’t have time for this type of relationship? Take a moment to think: What relationships are already present in my life where I experience feeling seen, felt, and known? Which ones could I cultivate, nourish, and give more energy to? Think small - sending memes back and forth, texting “hi” to a friend, joining online support groups…
Play. Before we get into this, what does play mean to you? Some people have an intense aversion to play, and it feels like one more thing to do. And that’s fair. Playfulness requires a nervous system that has some safety and energy. If your nervous system is stuck in protection mode and you’re burned out, play might not be for you yet. And that’s fine. Remember! I’m giving you four options, and there are so many other options you could consider, too.
Why is play important? It generates optimism. It makes perseverance fun. It supports your immune system. And it fosters empathy. Some people have been conditioned to believe that play is a reward for hard work (recess, choice time, extracurriculars). But what if play was a right? A requirement for nervous system health? What if play meant more regulation, connection, and felt safety, and therefore struggling people (kids and their parents!) need MORE play, and not less?
So how do adults experience playfulness? Watching funny videos. Watching funny TV and movies. Reading. Crafting. Playing mindless video games. Lately, I’ve been watching Survivor with my husband. And this week we dusted off some board games to play together.
If you had the time to do something solely for the purpose of fun and delight, what would it be? Is there a way that you can do that - or something like it - each week? What are moments of play that are hidden in plain sight?
Notice the good. This idea comes from Rick Hanson, and is so simple that it’s easy to overlook the power of it. All you have to do is take a few seconds to be intentional about noticing things that are good. And noticing the things that are good shifts our nervous systems back into connection mode, invite the thinking brain back, and grow the capacity to tolerate stress in your stress response system.
The easiest way to start is to notice things in your life that are good - or at least not neutral or bad. Normal everyday things like your morning coffee, or the hot water in the shower. This isn’t about toxic positivity or gratitude. It’s just simply noticing.
Sometimes it can be fun to imagine the goodness just washing over you, covering every inch. Let it seep into every cell. Does that image make your skin crawl? Then find another image! There’s no right or wrong here. And really, this takes 5 - 10 seconds. You don’t have to sit and drink your morning coffee with this intensity for 30 minutes!
When we live with chronic stress, our brains get stuck in protection mode (attack or collapse). It’s almost just easier to stay there than shift in and out. Noticing the good prompts a moment of connection brain. A little reminder of safety for our nervous systems. Slowly, over time, these moments can accumulate and make a big difference.
Struggling to find good? Create your own! Focus on your senses: touch (blanket, textures, fabric), sight (artwork, decorations), smell (shampoo, lotions, candles), taste (gum, snacks, drinks), and hearing (music, podcasts, silence).
Where in your life can you be more mindful of noticing good that already exists in your life?
Self-compassion. It can feel really tricky to find self-compassion. AND, it is the most powerful tool in growing your window of tolerance, strengthening your thinking brain, and being able to parent the way you truly want to.
So let’s start with compassion. What is it? Kristin Neff defines compassion as “the recognition and clear seeing of suffering. Compassion involves feelings of kindness toward people who are suffering so that the desire to help - to ameliorate suffering - emerges. Compassion involves recognizing our shared human condition, flawed and fragile as it is.”
So that means that:
“Self-compassion is the recognition and clear seeing of suffering in OURSELVES. Self-compassion involves feelings of kindness toward OUR OWN suffering so that the desire to help - to ameliorate suffering - emerges. Self-compassion involves recognizing our shared human condition, flawed and fragile as it is.” - Kristin Neff
There are many benefits to self-compassion! It leads to proactive behavior to better your situation (rather than passivity). It helps us work towards emotional well-being and contentment in our lives. When we recognize and embrace our shared humanity, we avoid destructive patterns of fear, negativity, and isolation. And it shifts us back into our thinking brains.
Self-compassion is something to practice as often as possible everyday. See if you can make a ritual out of moments of compassion. Start with small moments of suffering, the ones that might feel easiest to be compassionate towards. Identify one time of the day to pause, and use Dr. Neff’s self-compassion mantra:
This is a moment of suffering.
Suffering is a part of life.
May I be kind to myself in this moment.
May I give myself the compassion I need.
This mantra includes kindness, connection to common humanity (suffering as a part of life), and mindfulness.
What feels hard about self-compassion? Would you be willing to risk it anyway?
Next time, I’ll build on these ideas of self-compassion, and offer a four-step process that you can do in the moment of your child’s big, baffling behaviors to help you hold onto your own thinking brain for a little longer.