Growing Your Child's "Thinking Brain" With Connection and Co-regulation
It’s been a little while! When I last posted (waayyy back in March), I said that I was going to continue writing about strategies for connection and co-regulation. And then life got in the way. Let’s get back on track!
So… just to recap. Our brains are searching the “inside” (our own internal experience), the “outside” (our environment), and the “in-between” (our relationships) for safety FOUR TIMES every second. If the information that we receive is “mostly safe,” then we rest into “connection mode” - a state that is regulated, relaxed, logical, and ready to learn. However, if the information that we receive is mostly “not safe,” then we shift into “protection mode” - a state that looks dysregulated, disconnected, tense, and “behavioral” (physical or verbal aggression, sassiness, opposition, ignoring, running away, completely checked out, and/or excessive gaming).
Kids (humans!) with vulnerable nervous systems have brains that are stuck in “protection mode” more often. These kids may have diagnoses of autism, ADHD, anxiety, sensory processing disorder, learning disabilities, or trauma. Whatever the cause of their chronic dysregulation, they important thing to remember is that they are not “acting up” on purpose or to gain attention. Their nervous systems are telling them that they’re not safe, and they need help to come back into balance. And the help that they need has to come from you, their trusted adult.
So how do we help?
Decrease the distance. It is not a secret that this is one of my favorite parenting strategies. Kids behave in the expected and acceptable way when adults are around because they are getting the co-regulation they need to control their impulses and keep their thinking brains in charge. Until your child has the internalized co-regulation they need to be successful in situations without us, we need to keep them closer. Will it always be like this? No. But we want to always be thinking about how we can set our children up for success, and, for now, that might mean sticking a little closer during times that are typically harder for them.
Scaffolding. When thinking about parenting, scaffolding is the process of slowly and sequentially increasing your child’s competence and independence. When kids are struggling, we can think about “what skill is missing here? And how do I provide that?” Those skills might be impulse control, managing frustration/overwhelm, and prioritizing long-term goals over short-term goals.
Attunement. Dan Siegel defines attunement as “aligning your own internal state with that of the other.” Put another way, attunement is our ability to be aware of and respond to our child’s needs. We do this verbally (“Oh! I can see how upset you are! I hurt your feelings!” and non-verbally (through tone, facial expression, energy, posture, and eye contact). Want an example? Watch this video. The child’s dad did not mean to hurt the child’s feelings, but there’s a clear moment of misattunement. The child’s mom offers attuning words while turning to face the child, using a soft voice, and validating his feelings.
Validate the feeling (even if irrational). This is like "super-charged” attunement, and it can be super-hard! When kids have big feelings, they can be baffling or wrong. Things like “you like my sister better than me!” or “you’re being mean on purpose!” It’s instinctual to want to correct and contradict things that are inaccurate. But! Before your child can take in accurate, logical information, they need to experience attunement. Reflect back feelings, even if you don’t agree. “It feels like I’m being mean on purpose.” “It feels like I like your sister better than you.” We want to validate their experience without necessarily agreeing with them. We want to communicate to our child that we see them, we hear them, and we are brave enough to welcome the biggest, hardest feelings.
Connection. The funny thing is that connection isn’t really a strategy, per se, but the priority of all interactions with another human (and especially our kids). When kids are struggling, it’s time to get curious about where their “thinking brains” are in that moment, and focus on increasing connection rather than stopping the behavior. What does this look like practically? Just stop whatever is happening that is contributing to the dysregulation (the cleaning up, the math homework, the meal that they hate) and do something fun and connecting instead. Go for a bike ride or a walk or play basketball. Offer a drink or a snack. Do something that your child wants to do. Invite them to show you something or teach you something. (Feeling like you’re “rewarding bad behavior”? That’s a normal fear! And connection with a safe person is not a reward - it’s a given. We want children to know that connection is something they can always rely on, no matter what their behavior is.)
Are these strategies easy to implement? Absolutely not. Especially if this is not the way that you were raised. But by keeping your focus on your relationship with your child (rather than on their behavior), you will be teaching them the skills they need.
Next week! I will be taking a look at strategies to use when our kids are in “attack mode.”