Hey! It’s been a minute! And I left you on quite a cliff-hanger, promising to share what to do when your child is having an epic meltdown…
Let’s quickly review before I jump into the strategies. In January, I shared the most exciting thing that I learned last year (that our brain scans for safety FOUR TIMES EVERY SECOND!). Fascinating, right? But what does that have to do with our kids’ brains?! It means that if the information that we’re receiving is mostly “this situation/person/feeling is safe,” then kids rest into connection mode. This is what you’re seeing when you’re snuggled on the couch together enjoying a movie, or sharing a snack together after school, or when you remind your kid that they need to jump in the shower and they go without fussing and arguing and stalling.
But what happens when the information that your child’s brain is receiving is mostly “this person/situation/feeling is not safe”? That’s when our kid’s brain goes into protection mode. And that’s when we see all of those “behaviors” - the fighting, the running away, the name-calling, the aggression… But here’s the thing. All behavior makes sense. And if your child (or you!) is feeling threatened and unsafe, of course they’re going to move into protecting themselves. Are these behaviors easy to deal with? Absolutely not! Do we wish that our kids would communicate how they’re feeling in different ways? Of course. And I promise that they’ll get there.
How do I know? Because of the other really important thing that I learned last year:
Regulated and connected kids who feel safe do well.
Connection is a biological imperative. Our brains prioritize relationships and cooperation. And if a human being not prioritizing cooperation, it’s because they’re not feeling safe, regulated, and/or connected.
So before we get to the strategies, I want to just remind you of a few truths:
These “attack” behaviors are coming from a place of protection.
Our goal is not to stop the behaviors. While that might work in the short term, it’s not really a long-term solution and it doesn’t teach your child anything.
Our goal is to create safety and co-regulation. This invites your child back into their connection brain, which is where learning takes place.
Okay, now that we’ve got those reminders, let’s get into strategies…
These first three strategies are going to be for kids who are at a pretty low level of agitation/arousal. Maybe you’re getting some sassy, demanding language, or some eye rolling. Maybe some oppositional behavior. Behaviors that are unpleasant for sure, but not dangerous.
“Yes and…” Yes is a word that invites the connection and thinking brain back. (In contrast, “no” is a word that invites protection and fighting.) What might that look like? Let’s pretend that your child says something disrespectful or sassy. Something like “Give me a snack!” You could try responding with “Yes! While I’m grabbing the granola bars, can you try asking that again in a kinder way?” You are meeting your child’s need for a snack, while also inviting them to use kinder language.
Recognizing the need and giving your child the language to request it. Let’s say that your child says “I hate this homework! It’s stupid. I’m not doing it.” You can try to respond with “Oh! You need a break from this homework. We all need breaks sometimes when our brains are working hard. Can you let me know using different words that you are ready for a break?” Again, this parent is giving the “yes” and validating the child’s feelings while also inviting the child to request the break.
Compromise. Compromising teaches kids to express their needs with words instead of behaviors, while also showing kids that their wants and needs matter. Let’s pretend that you’ve asked your child to turn off their video game, and they say “NO!” What’s really going on here? The child isn’t ready to turn off their video game, which is a fair feeling. Transitioning from something that you love is really really hard! You can try something like “Ahhh! I get it. You aren’t ready to turn off the video games, and you need more time. It sounds like maybe you want a compromise. You can definitely ask for one. You could say “I need five more minutes to finish this game. Can I please have five more minutes and then I’ll come to dinner?” This way, you’re validating your child’s feelings, you’re recognizing their wants, and you’re giving them the script to use.
So what should we watch out for when trying these strategies?
Focusing on obedience and compliance. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that this sassiness is dysregulation. We might see the oppositional or rude behaviors and think it’s a choice or active disrespect. We make all sorts of judgements, and focus on compliance. But obedience and compliance are actually protection mode behaviors (!!), so if our attention is on getting our child to obey, we’re not really in our own connection brain and cannot offer our children the felt-safety and co-regulation that they need for their own connection brains to return.
Being afraid that your child is learning to be disrespectful and still get what they want. This is SUCH a common fear! And one that I hear from schools and parents all the time. That’s a protection brain worry, and not based in fact. The truth is that regulated, connected kids who feel safe do well. And if your kid isn’t doing well, it’s because they’re feeling unsafe, dysregulated, and/or disconnected. The more you can remember that (in your own thinking/connection brain), the easier it will be to handle your child’s sassy behaviors with confidence, regulation, and thoughtfulness.
Feeling like this isn’t working. If your attempts to connect to your child aren’t working, it’s possible that your child is more dysregulated than you thought. It’s possible that your child is not feeling connected enough to you to prioritize connection. And it’s possible that your child does not feel safe enough to trust your offer of a compromise. If that’s the case, then you’ll want to try the strategies for the higher levels of arousal/protection.
And those will come next week! I’ll tell you all about the characteristics of the higher levels of arousal, and give you some strategies for managing those. More soon…