Attack Mode! (part 2)
or... what to do when your child is no longer just sassy, and they've moved into being unreasonable, oppositional, or impulsive
As promised, I’m back to provide more strategies for what happens when your child is deep into dysregulation. But before I get to that, let’s do a quick review…
Fun fact: our brains scan for safety four times every second. If the information that we receive is mostly “safe,” then we relax into “connection mode” where we are cooperative, flexible, enjoying the people around us, and generally at ease. But, if the information that we perceive is mostly “not safe,” then we move into “protection mode.” Protection mode can look like sassiness, oppositional behavior, verbal/physical aggression, and retreating into video games or books. Want to read more? Check out this post from January.
Our primary tenet is that all behavior makes sense. Even the behavior that doesn’t make sense to us in this moment makes sense. When you can approach your child from that principle, you will naturally lead with curiosity (and not judgement). And when we’re in the midst of a hard time, isn’t that how we’d prefer to be approached?
Our secondary tenet is: “Regulated, Connected Kids Who Feel Safe (and know what to do!) Do Well.” So if our kids aren’t doing well, it’s because they don’t feel regulated, connected, and/or safe. Where does this connection/regulation/safety come from? The inside (our own internal, subjective experience), the outside (the environment), and the in-between (our relationships).
Okay, so what to do?! Last week, I wrote about strategies to manage sassy, back-talking types of behaviors. This week, I’m going to tackle what to do when your child is more dysregulated. What sorts of behavior am I thinking about? Being unreasonable. Leaving/fleeing. Struggling to use words. Overly silly (in a way that isn’t really funny). Oppositional. Can’t pause. Aggressive body language/posturing. Not fighting yet, but getting ready to.
Our goal here is to invite your child’s “connection” or “thinking” brain back. It’s impossible to solve a problem or learn something when you feel under attack or afraid of punishment. Let’s jump into the strategies!
Give clear signals: “I’m safe! You’re safe!” We want to convey to our child that we are on the same team, and that no one is in trouble. We can absolutely do this with words, but words are processed by a connected brain, so your words may not register with your upset child. It’s important to offer this non-verbally, too. Take a step back, get lower than your child, and release the tension in your own body (unclench your fists, lower your shoulders, relax your legs)
Connect them to their senses. When we are upset, we become disconnected from our bodies, and reconnecting can help soothe those big feelings. What would this look like? Offer a drink (cold, hot, thick, sweet) or a snack (crunchy, chewy). Just add water (bath, shower, drink). Move their body (arm wrestle, run around the house, jump on the bed, dance party).
Remove the stressor temporarily. It’s absolutely okay to pause and revisit the situation later. This goes for homework, chores, meals, discussions, and attempts at problem solving. (This can send parents into a panic: “Is my child now in charge of the family?” That decision is coming from a place of fear. Removing a stressor due to confidently deciding “my child can’t navigate the stress of this” comes from your connected, thinking brain and is a completely different energy. Your connected, thinking brain keeps the parent “in charge” of the family.)
So what should you watch out for when trying these strategies?
Activating your own protection brain. Dysregulation is contagious, and when your child starts to escalate, your own brain may be pulled in that direction, too. I’ll get to strategies for parents in a few weeks, but you can check out this infographic about what other parents are trying. Two dysregulated brains are not going to bring calm or safety to each other! And, as the adult, you have the responsibility to regulate your own brain and body so that you can help your child regulate theirs.
Being afraid that you are “rewarding” bad behavior. A lot of these strategies for bringing kids back into their connected brains will feel like a reward. “Hey, you’re being disrespectful! Let’s have some juice and play a game!” In these moments we have to stay connected to our own thinking brains and remind ourselves that this isn’t about rewards/punishments. If it was about rewards, you’d have figured it out by now! It’s about helping our kids’ nervous system find connection, regulation, and safety by offering connection and sensory input.
Believing that you have to Do Something. This is so hard, because waiting can induce helpless feelings in us. Here’s the thing… sometimes doing nothing is the best thing. Don’t talk. Just focus on your own body sending cues of safety. Sometimes offering ways to change them (like drinks, snacks, and arm wrestling matches) can be experienced as more danger. Since these behaviors are not actually dangerous, it’s okay to focus on keeping yourself regulated.
Next week! I’ll be writing about strategies to use when your child is verbally aggressive, threatening, or throwing a tantrum. See you then…